Allen Juneau: Finding my voice
How embracing my authentic self transformed my life – and body, as told at the Des Moines Storyteller’s Project’s “A Fresh Start” on, Sept. 14, 2021.
Des Moines Register
Editor’s note: Allen Juneau first told this story on stage at the Des Moines Storytellers Project’s “A Fresh Start: Lessons learned from life-altering experiences.” The Des Moines Storytellers Project is a series of storytelling events in which community members work with Register journalists to tell true, first-person stories live on stage. An edited version appears below.
In August of 2019, I made the decision to compete in my very first bodybuilding show.
To give you some context on my headspace at this point in time, four months prior I found myself ghosted out of a long-term relationship. As a part of my healing process, I said: “You know what? I’m going to join the gym down the street, and I’m going to learn how to lift weights.”
Coordinating my body to do deadlifts, and cleans, and snatches was initially awkward, but I stuck with it.
A few months in, I began to notice subtle changes in my physique. I looked in the mirror and thought: “OK, shoulders! OK, arms!” And most notably, “OK abs!”
I say most notably, because, up until this point I had never seen my abdominal muscles in my entire life.
This was a lightbulb moment. I decided I was going to compete in a bodybuilding show. I didn’t know a lick about bodybuilding, but I knew bodybuilders have abs — and that’s all I needed to know.
I found a coach, and we put together a game plan to set it off over the next ten weeks.
I did strength training and cardio six days a week. We had sessions solely dedicated to learning how to pose.
And yet, my disposition throughout my preparation was — ambivalent.
Seeing my broader back give me new width, the veins popping in my arms more prominently, it was exciting. And just the same, I experienced an insidious disconnect from my body.
By the time I arrived to my competition day in November, single digit body fat, near-nakedness — I even gave a national qualifying performance — I still found myself discouraged.
Because as lean as my body was, it couldn’t get rid of the ample, feminine curves and cleavage that filled out my bikini on stage.
More Storytellers: How a 500-mile hike helped me come to terms with mom guilt.
After bodybuilding, I discovered I was transgender.
You see, two years ago when I competed, my presentation offered an awfully different visual than the person you’re looking at today — I navigated the world as a cisgender woman.
Inner turmoil and all, I competed in women’s bikini bodybuilding.
Somehow, in spite of my turbulent headspace, I earned the opportunity to compete again in a few months to vie for a professional bikini bodybuilding title.
Understandably, my coach was eager to start training to get me back on stage. I, on the other hand, was desperately seeking comfort in my own body.
I attempted to work up the nerve to tell my coach that I wouldn’t be wearing a bikini again because I discovered I was transgender.
And that didn’t work out — I ended up ghosting my coach.
In fact, having been so visible on stage, I scarcely wanted to see anybody, especially as I was sitting with what it would look like to find relief by way of medical transition.
More: Meet the 5 Iowans who will share their ‘fresh starts’ at the next Des Moines Storytellers Project
And so I spent Christmas and New Years in my apartment alone, just me and my pet cat Parker. I cut off the long dreadlocks I had since childhood.
Shortly after, I started the financially, logistically and emotionally arduous process of getting top surgery.
Looking back, I can see that post bodybuilding, something was starting to click in my mind. Finding success in bodybuilding required an incredibly intense investment of my time and energy.
It required me to be curious enough to seek and find the answer to the question: “What would happen if I were to be so bold as to realize my potential?”
Preparing for top surgery, alone at home during a pandemic.
The holiday season ended and I couldn’t remain a recluse because I had to go back to work, shaved head and all.
I was terrified of how beginning a medical transition in a corporate workplace would impact my well-being. But I never got fully see if whether that fear was warranted, because Des Moines began to slow down on account of the coronavirus that remains alive and well, even now.
Just as quickly as I returned to work after the holidays, I was sent to work from home. During this time alone in my apartment, yet again, I started hormone replacement therapy.
What a gift it was to be able to bear witness to my growth physically, emotionally, spiritually, free of the real or imagined pressure to be a certain type of way around others.
This past October, l had my top surgery.
My nerves were just that much more wound up at the moving parts involved in traveling to San Francisco for surgery in the midst of a pandemic. Hopping on the plane alone, getting coronavirus tested numerous times, paying a hefty deductible … for such a long-drawn out process, it all happened so fast.
When I woke up from surgery, it was painful to move around in bed, or even to cough or laugh.
But to have woken up with such a strong sense of peace, I would do it all over again if I had to.
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Honoring my authentic self has helped me show up in the world.
A literal and metaphorical weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Up until this point my mind had been preoccupied with survival amidst discomfort and a spirit of resignation as if this — whatever that is — is as good as it is ever going to get.
And this was my default headspace for so long. Yet when I got up after this surgery, there was a shift.
To paraphrase from the late artist Whitney Houston, I got to know my own creative strength.
No longer burdened with how I’m going to make it, all I’ve thought about since is what I can make. This joy in my heart from walking in alignment with myself and my heart aspirations has led me to nurture my musical gifts.
Not even a week after I woke up from surgery, I started my application to get a Master’s of Film Scoring from Berklee College of Music, and here I am now a few months shy of finishing my first year.
I composed music for films that have since been screened at film festivals around the country. I accompanied musical acts on piano and organ for a live Juneteenth television special. I quit my job and moved to a new house to teach piano lessons. And I performed on the same stage with some of my favorite musicians at the Riverview Music Festival.
In two months from now, I get to do my second bodybuilding show from a joyful state of mind and body.
When I think about how my commitment to authenticity over the past few years is doing a mighty work in my life, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and hope.
At one point in time, I was constantly negotiating how I would show up in the world, thinking that if I contort my appearance or my aspirations in just the right way, it just might be OK.
What a place to be now, in a life where I’m navigating the world as I see fit.
I want to do more than simply survive, I want to — no, I deserve to — thrive.
I’m discovering that there is so much potential to be realized by engaging with the radical honesty that is honoring my most authentic self.
And I remain hopeful of where a journey rooted in a commitment to authenticity will take me.
ABOUT THE STORYTELLER: Originally from Bellevue, Nebraska, Allen Juneau is a pianist, organist and composer based in Des Moines. Here, he is a musician for local churches and musical acts. Allen has a bachelor’s from Harvard and is currently completing a master’s from Berklee. Outside of music, Allen is an avid fitness enthusiast.
Become a teller
The Des Moines Storytellers Project strongly believes that everyone HAS a story and everyone CAN tell it. None of the storytellers who take our stage are professionals. They are your neighbors, friends or co-workers, and they are coached to tell by Register journalists.
Want to tell your story at one of our upcoming Storytellers Project events? Read our guidelines and submit a story by clicking “Tell” at DesMoinesRegister.com/Storytellers.
Contact storytelling@dmreg.com for more information.
Hear past storytellers
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